I guess that's all I can say since I went MIA for more than a year. Well I haven't finished that story I was talking about in the previous post. I haven't been writing a lot actually. Where did the passion go? I guess my low self-esteem will be the death of me. I've been busy with school. Really busy. My assignments and requirements of formal writing has drained the creativity out of me that I guess whenever I get the free time, I just want to lay in bed and watch TV. It's been so long that it took me 5 minutes to get my password right to log in to blogger. So here I am, at 1am, typing my thoughts out, feeling like I have to explain myself to...well....no one because I know no one reads this blog. Maybe I just need to come to terms with myself.
School is ending soon and I'm going to start working full time. It''s terrifying. I don't think I can do it and I know I'll be in a lot of embarrassing situations which will make me glad I'll be working with no one I know.
I suddenly feel like I'm not ready for anything. I got into the course I want, started this blog, thinking I love writing, people from secondary school to ITE have told me what a good writer I was but after meeting so many people from diploma and my degree, I know for a fact, I'm no where near good. So how can I compete with all of them when I need a new job?
I try to explain it to people and they go "Yeah we all go through that but it's normal. You're not that bad."
But deep down you know. You know you're not one of those typical skinny girls who says their fat so people can compliment you. You know deep deep down you're not that good because there were nights you actually want to compliment yourself because for that split second you chose to believe what people were saying about you and you thought hey I'm more than that, I'm great, and you think what else should people compliment about you? What else have people failed to notice?
And then you realise there's nothing and all those compliments aren't exactly compliments on skills that you can carry with you for your future. Like example, "You're such a nice person" but that's not going to land you a job now, is it?
I've tried to explain this to someone before and I've seen their face go blank because that's when they realize I've made a point. Either that or some choose to refuse to believe and insist I'm just being humble. Well I'm not. Why would I be? If I'm actually good at something, I would want to be proud of it and own it.
I know there are people out there who have felt exactly the way I do, I just haven't met them yet. I just wonder, do you overcome it or work around it? And how?
Well goodbye, for now.
Friesinburger