Hi,
I guess that's all I can say since I went MIA for more than a year. Well I haven't finished that story I was talking about in the previous post. I haven't been writing a lot actually. Where did the passion go? I guess my low self-esteem will be the death of me. I've been busy with school. Really busy. My assignments and requirements of formal writing has drained the creativity out of me that I guess whenever I get the free time, I just want to lay in bed and watch TV. It's been so long that it took me 5 minutes to get my password right to log in to blogger. So here I am, at 1am, typing my thoughts out, feeling like I have to explain myself to...well....no one because I know no one reads this blog. Maybe I just need to come to terms with myself.
School is ending soon and I'm going to start working full time. It''s terrifying. I don't think I can do it and I know I'll be in a lot of embarrassing situations which will make me glad I'll be working with no one I know.
I suddenly feel like I'm not ready for anything. I got into the course I want, started this blog, thinking I love writing, people from secondary school to ITE have told me what a good writer I was but after meeting so many people from diploma and my degree, I know for a fact, I'm no where near good. So how can I compete with all of them when I need a new job?
I try to explain it to people and they go "Yeah we all go through that but it's normal. You're not that bad."
But deep down you know. You know you're not one of those typical skinny girls who says their fat so people can compliment you. You know deep deep down you're not that good because there were nights you actually want to compliment yourself because for that split second you chose to believe what people were saying about you and you thought hey I'm more than that, I'm great, and you think what else should people compliment about you? What else have people failed to notice?
And then you realise there's nothing and all those compliments aren't exactly compliments on skills that you can carry with you for your future. Like example, "You're such a nice person" but that's not going to land you a job now, is it?
I've tried to explain this to someone before and I've seen their face go blank because that's when they realize I've made a point. Either that or some choose to refuse to believe and insist I'm just being humble. Well I'm not. Why would I be? If I'm actually good at something, I would want to be proud of it and own it.
I know there are people out there who have felt exactly the way I do, I just haven't met them yet. I just wonder, do you overcome it or work around it? And how?

Well goodbye, for now.

Hey guys! I know I have updated this blog in a very long time BUT that doesn't mean I haven't been checking my emails for more comments! :D Just an update for you guys, I am currently a story now and just to give you guys a heads up, it is inspired by Peter Pan (the movie) Hahahaha not the band. So do let me know how you guys feel about this alright! :D

I was the new girl in high school and I wish it remained that way. Being new, I wanted to fit in as much as I could. I saw a group of girls walking in hallway and seeing how everyone made way for them, made me want to be one of those girls. Oh how badly I wanted it but of course I knew to be one of those girls was to be someone I’m not, so that made it impossible for me to even think about it.

Apparently, I was in the same history class as one of the girls in the clique and she was sitting right in front of me. Her pencil fell from her table and rolled to my feet, she turned around, her eyes following where the pencil was going. I picked it up, “Excuse me is this yours?” She looked at me, “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve seen you around before” I liked where this conversation was going, “I’m new here” She extended out her hand, “My name is Lisa, what about yours?” I smiled at her and shook her hand, “I’m Mandy” Lisa replied, “By the way I like yours skirt, why not you have lunch with me and friends later?” I thought to myself, this must be the best first day of school ever.

Months have passed and I’ve been hanging out with the popular girls and life has been great ever since. I started getting attention from popular boys and boys that I’ve never seen in my life before and girls coming up to me, begging to be my friends. I felt like a celebrity in the halls of Scottsen High School but the fun short-lived.

I was on my way to the toilet because Lisa told me to meet her there, I opened the door and I see the rest of the clique standing outside a cubicle laughing, “Where’s Lisa?” Lisa stuck her head out of the cubicle, “Oh hey Mandy, come in the cubicle, I want to show you something” I got to admit I was a little bit excited. Wait a minute. What are you doing? My jaw dropped, “Lisa, who is that?” Lisa was dunking the poor girl’s head into the toilet bowl, “I don’t know, the girl who bumped into me and hurt my shoulder?” As the Lisa lifted the girl’s head, she shouted, “But it wasn’t on purpose! I swear!” Lisa shouted, “Excuses! Excuses!” I couldn’t stand there and watch anymore, “Erm Lisa I have to get to class, see you after school” And I dashed right out of the toilet.

I was sitting class, not paying attention to the teacher at all. What just happened? They’re not bad company. Even if they are, I still want to hang out with them badly. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever gotten so much attention! Anyway, it’s not like I’ll happen all the time right? Or at least when Lisa gets mad which is rare!

I was walking out of school and Lisa shouted, “Hey Mandy! Where are you going? Wanna hang out at the mall with us?” Without hesitation I agreed to the invitation.

We were at the mall walking around and window shopping. We walked into Zara and all of us saw clothes that we fell in love with but none of us could afford any of it but Lisa came up with an idea that everyone else thought it was a great idea except me, “How about we steal it?” I saw the look on Lisa’s face and I knew there was no way I could talk her out of it. Then Lisa turned to me, “Mandy, how about you do it?” My mind went blank, “Me? But I don’t know how” Lisa smiled and pulled me, “It’s okay, I’ll teach you!”

Was I really going to do this?

As we were walking out of the shop, the security guard stopped me and demanded to check my bag. I looked at Lisa hoping she would tell me what to do next but I saw all of them running. What about me Lisa? I had to pay for everything I stole and that came up to eight hundred plus. After that I was labeled as “the thief” in school. Every day I just wish that I could change school.

How far would you go for, for your child? Well my mum definitely went the extra mile for me.

My dad left my mum and me when I was 3 but that didn’t bother me because my mum played both roles very well. My mum had an extremely good job, good enough to cover all of my expenses and hers. We lived in a beautiful house, furnished with designer goods, our kitchen would always be filled with fresh meat and ice creams that would make your taste buds scream for more. My point is, we would never run out of food. What was my mum like? She was like everyone’s role model. She was beautiful, slim, and photogenic. Her hair would flow like silk, natural beauty was what made her glow. When she goes to work, she would have a perfect hair bun, wear heels that makes her look like a super model and used to cradle me in her arms till I fell asleep then she would leave. I would always boast to my friends how fancy and poise my mum was.

My mum never did want to tell me what she worked as, each time I asked her she would immediately change the topic or turn a deaf ear on me. My mum always came home during dinner time so that when I ended school, I would come home to see food on the table and every day without fail, I would come home and receive a bright smile from my mum.

Of course years have passed, I grew up, I made new friends, and I stopped coming home for dinner. By the time I came home my mum would be sleeping on the couch with a book in her hand and cold food on table only to find that the ants were having a feast. Whenever I wanted money to go out with my friends, my mum would never hesitate to give me more than I asked for.

I got older, got a job, got a boyfriend that was husband material. I started coming home as and when I liked. Every day without fail food would still be on the table and I would always scold my mum for wasting food like that. In fact, it became a habit for me to just clear everything on the table without me even having to take a glance at it. I would hardly see my mum, by the time I came home, she would be sleeping and when she was ready to leave for work, I would be in deep sleep to be awakened by the slamming door when she leaves.

Years went by, my mum started getting old, unfortunately no one lives forever and it was my mum’s turn to go. I didn’t expect anyone to turn up except for family members but surprisingly a lot of people turned up and I’ve never seen any of them before. Some were dressed like they lived on the streets and some didn’t even look local. Why would my mum associate with anybody like that? So I decided to approach each one of them and ask them how on earth they would know my mum. I walked up to the man with yellow stains on his tee shirt, “Excuse me, may I know how you knew my mum?” The man looked at me and smiled, “The last time I saw you, you were just a little girl. Me and your mum used to work together, remember?” No I don’t remember! My mum didn’t tell me anything! “And where is that exactly?” The man gave me a curious look, “At the chicken rice stall nearby your house?” My jaw dropped. I noticed an old lady holding a broom stick so I decided to approach her next, “Aunty, why are you holding a broom stick?” The old lady wiped her tears and looked at me, “I have to go to work later and your mum and I would always have a cup of coffee before we go for work. She was my only friend. Now who would be there to tell me stories about their daughter or grandchildren?” Grandchildren?! Are we talking about the same person?! “I don’t mean to be rude but what grandchildren? And what has she told you about me?” The old aunty leaned her broom against one of the chairs, making herself more comfortable, “ She told me about how she would cook your favourite meals every day and how excited she was to see your face when you reach home and how she would miss you when she had to go to sleep without seeing you.” Tears started rolling down my cheeks, “And what about the grandchildren?” The old aunty took out another piece of tissue, “Your mum told me how happy she was that you found a man to make you happy and she would always make jokes about you having a lot of children so that when she grew old all of you could take care of her.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to walk away. My mum had to have two jobs as chicken rice seller and a sweeper to let me experience the perfect life. I made that woman who was a role model to me, feel like an object just occupying space in the house. I didn’t even show her the slightest gratitude. How could a magnificent woman like her give birth to a monster like me?

The substitute lecturer walked to the front of the class with her classy, branded heels and her brand new cashmere sweater, “Today class we’ll be talking about emotions. Who can name me some?” One of the students raised her hand, “Love?” Another seating right at the back “Anger” And another seating at the corner, “Sadness” The lecturer left her notes on the table and started walking up and down, “Yes all those are emotions people feel everyday. Sadness, fear, anger, remorse, contempt, awe and not forgetting the most common one. Love.” We all have felt all these emotions before and all of us have experience in it. Am I right to say that? But have any of us felt all these emotions at the same time? I don’t mean feeling happy and surprise at the same time. But feeling all those emotions I have listed at the same time.” The student at the back asked, “Isn’t that too many emotions to feel at the same?” The lecturer smiled, “I am going to tell all of you a story and you tell me if it’s possible or not”

There was a 17 year old girl named Amy. She was an ordinary girl, she studies hard, and she was like any high school girl you would picture. And this character came with a very strict dad.

You see Amy had a boyfriend named Leon. He was the quarter back and the most popular guy in school. He had tattoos and piercings. Basically he was the kind of guy who knew how to have fun. Amy’s dad detests Leon and that’s not surprising for any dad. Amy and Leon were both in love, they were happy together and they were the perfect couple. They would do almost anything for each other but Amy’s dad always thought that Leon was a bad example and that his daughter deserved much better that this. Amy and Leon have dated for almost 4 years and they were ready. Ready to take their relationship onto another level. Marriage. Leon wanted to surprise Amy by asking her father for his blessing without her knowing.

Amy came home late that night after band practice. She noticed her kitchen lights were on and that there was a man’s figure. She assumed it was her father. She continued looking at the window. Her dad started moving around for no reason. What could he possibly be doing? Cooking? At this hour? No way. Amy decided to enter by the back door where the kitchen was. The door was slightly ajar. Amy decided to peep through the door, Leon fell on the floor. Amy took a step back; that was her natural reaction. . But why was Leon on the floor?! She went back to take a peep, Leon was eyes were wide open, staring at her, blood dripping from his mouth and his arms wide open. Amy pressed her index finger against her lips telling Leon to keep quiet about the fact that he saw her. But what she saw in his eyes could never be forgotten. It was cold. Dark. Lifeless. A never ending well. My sweet boy do something. A ring from Leon’s hand slipped out and made its way out of the door and landing it on Amy’s toe. Amy picked up the ring and started tearing. She realized Leon’s body was being dragged away. Amy sat on her porch that night playing with the ring Leon got for her which was engraved, You’ll always be my one and only.


The class bell rang. All the students were engrossed with the lecturer’s story. The lecturer snapped out of the gaze she was in, “So class that’s my story. Why don’t you guys go home and think about it. Class is dismissed” She immediately made her move out of the door but one of her students shouted, “Excuse me miss! May I know how to address you?” The lecturer looked down on the floor, “Miss Amy.” And she walked out of the floor.
What an impact she left on them.

Stan and Letitia knew each other since they were kids. Both of their parents were neighbors at the old flat they used to live in and that’s how the friendship began. Stan had been in love with Letitia for ages but Letitia had no clue about it, neither did she feel the same way.

Stan always told his parents how he wanted to marry Letitia. At first they thought that it was cute that he had a crush on her but as years passed by they realize it was more than that. Letitia’s and Stan’s parents were very old fashioned and since they were quite fond of Letitia, they decided to have an arranged marriage.

Stan’s parents arranged tea with Letitia’s parents to talk about their brilliant idea. Letitia’s parents agreed to the idea without hesitation but only with one condition; Letitia has to turn Twenty-Four first.

Two years later, Letitia was having the time of her life on her Twenty-Fourth birthday. She came home at two in the morning. When Letitia switched on her living room lights, both her parents were sitting on the sofa, waiting for her. She was shocked, she recalled the last time they did that was when she was sixteen. That’s when she knew something was not right. “What are you guys still doing awake at this hour?” asked Letitia. Her father replied, “Do you still remember Stan? Your childhood friend.” “Yes I do, why do you ask?” shocked that her parents mentioned about him. Her mum jokingly said, “You sound sweet when you say I do” she giggled to herself, “What do you think about him, Letitia?” Letitia wondering where this conversation was heading to, “He’s alright I guess.” Her parents stood up, holding each other’s hands, “Well both of us and Stan’s parents have arranged for the both of you to get married!” Letitia nearly passing out, “Married?!” Her mum hugged her, “We’re so happy we found the right guy for you!” Her dad held her face and squeezed her cheeks, “I’m sure he’ll take good care of you!” Letitia saw the priceless smiles on her parent’s faces.

Letitia couldn’t sleep that night. She lied on her bed, staring at her ceiling all night long. Knowing her life was about to end soon. She couldn’t even imagine herself holding his hands. Letitia was the kind of girl who loved freedom and hanging with her friends at the mall. She’s an outgoing person and has a very attractive personality. On that night, Letitia wanted to end her life so badly but she couldn’t bring shame to her parents and to her family.

Before she knew it she was already standing at the altar next to Stan, hearing him say his vows. Years went by, Letitia changed. She became a housewife, she was no longer her cheerful self, she dreaded each day that went by and that continued for 2 years. Stan still treated her like princess but of course that honeymoon period would never last.

Stan started to get paranoid and insecure. He kept thinking that each time he left for work; Letitia would invite men over to their place. It became so bad that he installed cameras around the house to make sure no one besides Letitia was in. The mail man came up to their house to deliver a package for her, unfortunately the camera didn’t manage to capture who was outside the door. When Stan came home and watched every video clip, he flipped. He pulled Letitia by the hair and pushed her into the toilet. Letitia screamed as loud as she could but no one came. Why didn’t anyone come to save me? Letitia tried her best to explain but Stan wouldn’t give her a chance. The only thing that was running through his mind was how afraid he was to lose his only love.

Stan left Letitia in the toilet, he needed to cool down. He apologized to Letitia for his horrible behavior and promised he would never do it again, Letitia had to forget about what had happened. She felt vulnerable and weak.

Weeks went by, Letitia was doing what she would always do. Housework. She was washing Stan’s tee shirt and noticed a lipstick mark. How could this be? Even though she dreaded each moment she had with Stan but no one liked the feeling of being cheated. Stan came home and went to shower immediately, Letitia trying to be as sneaky as possible crept into their room and took his handphone. Stan came out of the toilet drying his hair with his towel wondering which part of the house his true love was at. When he went into the living room he found Letitia sitting in the dark. Letitia switched on the lamp above her, “Who were you texting Stan?” Stan got confused, “What are you talking about?” Letitia was raging with anger, “I saw your messages. And there was a lipstick stain on your shirt. Can you explain that?” There was an awkward pause between the couple. Letitia shouted, “Explain that Stan!” Stan threw his towel on the floor, “The only reason why I’m having an affair is because you’re cheating on me!” Letita’s jaw dropped, “Me?! I have been staying in this damn house every single day!” Stan ran into the kitchen and took a knife, “No! You’re lying! You don’t love me anymore! I know you have been sleeping with other men. Everyone has been telling me they see you with different men every day.” Letitia was afraid of what Stan might do with the knife, “Who is everyone?! I have always been faithful!” Stan ran towards Letitia and stabbed her in the womb, “Now you can’t have any kids with other men and because of your ugly scar no men would want to sleep with you ever again.” Letitia laid on the floor bleeding and had to drag herself to the house phone to call herself an ambulance. Stan just sat on the couch crying, watching Letitia try to get herself up, “I’m sorry I’m sorry, I know I said I would hurt you again. I’m sorry Letitia, please forgive me. Don’t leave me. No you can’t leave me”

A month passed and Letitia would always lift up her shirt and look at the ugly scar her husband had left her with. Letitia thought to herself, “If he can hit me, stab me. What’s next? Why me? Why must I let this happen to me?” A quick idea came into Letitia’s head, What if I kill myself before he does? But Letitia couldn’t do it. She just ended up lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, hoping the angel of death would just come and take her away. She looked outside the window and hoped she would at least get a chance to live a life a beggar. Free, with no worries but food. She was dying to touch the dead leaves that were falling from the trees. She wanted the vultures to come down and ripped Stan’s limbs apart.

Should I drown myself? Cut my wrists? Take a knife and stab my heart? Run infront of a car? Or should I just jump from my kitchen? Letitia looked at photo with her and her parents, I couldn’t I couldn’t, I can’t abandon them.

Letitia felt dizzy and so she went into her room. She lay on her bed just waiting for herself to doze off. Suddenly she had a flashback of when she was a little girl. When she felt insecure her mum would always be there to hold her and her dad would always try his best to make her smile. Where are you now mummy? Daddy? Are you there? Come back. I need you. Don’t leave me alone. I need my mummy.

Letitia finally woke up from that horrible nightmare but only to find herself all tied up. She was surprise. Why can’t I move my arms? Why am I in this white room? Where am I? There was a stainless steel metal bowl filled with fruits infront of her. She saw herself through the reflection of the metal bowl. Who is this? What happened to my face? What’s going on? The nurse came in the check on Letitia. “Nurse nurse, why am I here?” The nurse scribbling on her clipboard, “Have you not seen what you’ve done to yourself?”

But I didn’t do it. He did.

What are bestfriends to you? Let me rephrase that, what makes your bestfriend a bestfriend?
What if you found out your bestfriend had a crush on you? Or your bestfriend betrayed you?
I'm sure many of you have experienced that. But what matters now is how did you handle it? Would it be fair if I said my experience is different and that I’ve been through worse or would you feel the unfairness?

Well then let me tell you my story. I had a bestfriend name, Marie. We were only 8 years old when we met. Our parents knew each other so we often hang out at each other's place. When I walked into her house, she ran up to me and hugged me with one of the biggest smile I've ever seen since then on, I knew this would be the beginning of a very beautiful friendship and I’ve never stopped calling her bestfriend ever since.

As we grew up, things took a different turn for me. She was the hottie and I was the nottie if you get what I mean. I didn't feel jealous because I knew my bestfriend loved me for who I am. Marie had a boyfriend she loved till the end of time. And of course I remained single. No guy in the right mind would even take a glance at me.

Marie was kind, caring, pretty, talented, intelligent. Everything a guy or anyone would ask for.
At the age of 14 I found out my mum had a miscarriage. I came home that night feeling exhausted from school. My mum called me to my room. She was sitting on my bed, her eyes looked swollen, her cheeks were pinkish red and she was squeezing a piece of tissue in her hand. I got a little afraid but I didn't want to assume stuff. She told me to take a sit and I did. She started talking about how she was walking down the stairs. It just happened last year, when she walking down, someone from the back pushed her and she started bleeding. She started shouting for help and coincidently Marie was there to help her. My mum told Marie not to tell anyone especially me because she knew how devastated I would be. I started to break down and I cursed and swear with all of my heart to whoever pushed my mum. I called Marie and she came over to my place as fast as she could. I spent the whole night crying in her arms. Thank God for a bestfriend like her.

About a month later, Marie came over to my place. She was crying. I asked her what happened? But she just couldn't speak. She cried so much that she didn't even have time to breathe, she would stop half way to take a breather but she continued crying. All I could do was hug her. It was 5 in the morning, I kept dozing off and her eyes were as swollen as a goldfish. Finally she spoke, “I'm pregnant.” My jaws dropped. Should I kill him for making my bestfriend pregnant or should I continue to be nice to him because he's the father of my bestfriend's child? I didn’t know what to say, the only thing I asked was, “so are you gonna keep it?” but she just shrug her shoulders.

Until this day I still think about my little sister that I could have. Oh how I wish she was here, I would be able to love her, hold her, play with her. I know I would be the best sister.
One afternoon after school, I was at Marie's place. She kept going to the toilet to pee so I decided to use her computer. Suddenly I heard a frail voice, “read her diary.” I thought it was the devil speaking because no way am I gonna invade someone's privacy.
As I was walking home, I started to think about it. Why would the devil ask me to read a 16 year old's diary? Isn’t it a little stupid? And this has got me extremely curious. The next day I went to Marie's house again and as usual she was in the toilet. I searched for her diary and it was under her bed, hidden under her make-up kit and Barbie doll house. I started reading it like a nerd studying for a class test. I flipped to the page where she wrote about the day my mum fell down the stairs- “Lucky colour of the day-black. I ran out of ideas so I decided to do the same thing as I did to Alicia, Carrie, Morris and Daine. I will be there at exactly 3.00 pm and I'll…”And then that frail voice came back, “run big sis” without thinking I immediately shoved the diary back. As I was walking home I started to think what just happened. Was it all just in my head because I miss my little unborn sister so much? But how did she know what was going on and what was going to happen? I knew she real now. She wants me to know something. Something dangerous and risky. This was happening too fast and too much for a 16 year old.

It took me a week to get hold of that diary again. This time I took it home and she didn't even notice it was gone. I continued reading it, “Lucky colour of the day-black. I ran out of ideas so I decided to do the same thing as I did to Alicia, Carrie, Morris and Daine. I will be there at exactly 3.00 pm and I know Mrs Paterson will be there, leaving the hospital. I refuse to share my bestfriend. I know that once Shermain would to have a little sister she wouldn’t have time for me anymore. I can’t and I won't be able to handle it. She's MINE. MINE! No one else's! No one can love her as much as me. I'm the best and I deserve her. “ - Of course now you would think Oh my gosh! And so many things would be running through your mind of what I would and could do but no, you’re wrong. I totally spaced out. My mind went blank and my mouth was wide open that I think a fly almost flew in. But there was one thing on my mind, Marie was OBSESSED. I continued reading the next few pages and I came across the page about the day she found out she was pregnant, I mean it wasn't hard to miss at all. The whole page was filled with doodles of middle fingers.

28 February 2011
I missed my period AGAIN!!! So for the sake of making myself feel secured I went to take a pregnancy test and screw this shit. It says positive! I should have said no to Uncle Brof. But I just really wanted to try out my new lingerie, I just bought last week ): I told him to use a bloody condem! Why didn't he listen! Why did I still let him?! Arghhh I hate myself! Now I have to live with this burden! Uncle Brof doesn't even want to admit it was his fault :/ Gosh life sucks. But well on the Brightside at least I have Shermain and probably me and Shermain can raise this kid together. In fact, we should get married! HAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, going off to Shermain's house now! Ciao!

Was my bestfriend lesbian? Slut? Hooker? Prostitute? Sibling killing whore? SHE HAD SEX WITH HER UNCLE?! All the unexpected happened. And to be honest all I did was go to her house, pass her diary to her mum and left. It's like I was never there. I didn't answer her phone calls neither did I reply her texts. All I could was just live a new life. Until this day, I still see her cycling pass my house looking at my window wondering when I'll come out. You may wonder if this disturbs me but nah. I'm happy the way I am.
Thank you little sis.

Hey there! I've a passion and interest for writing down my thoughts and imagination and I've decided to let the world get a taste of that :D I really hope you guys enjoy it and hopefully you guys can relate to it too. If you guys have any comments feel free to leave a comment below or email me at friesinburger@hotmail.com And that's not it! If you guys have any titles in mind and is curious of what kind of stories I'll write with it then please let me know. I'll be glad to get inspiration from my readers :D THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! ENJOY!




Since 5 May 2011

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